11190 visits since 03/07/01 -=Mail/MSN=- sprained_soul@hotmail.com -=Featured Link=- Listening to 11.975hz - The official webcomic of #a!. 09/30/06 Cocktail Time Kill. 12/11/03 Conveyerbelt dreamscape. 09/24/03 Studded leather Envy. 06/26/03 Your very own anything. 02/11/03 I am part Hamlet, part eunuch. 11/17/02 I liked you better when I didn't know you. 10/13/02 No one likes you and you're going to lose. 09/13/02 I'd sell my soul for a Klondike Bar. 09/12/02 From lonely to only. 06/14/02 Spoonfulls of sidewalk wisdom. 05/11/02 Spontaneous human combustion on a bus. 03/24/02 We are all there is now. 03/18/02 Know what I'm talking about? 03/11/02 I wonder what it's like to be dead. 03/07/02 Lights off, Insanity on.			I liked you better when I didn't know you     She was sucking his dick while I was listening to AM radio. Bobby Hebb echoed everywhere while I imagined him fucking her, his flabby and ashen grey buttocks flapping away between her outstretched legs, his sweat dropping onto her chest, her screaming for more. The love of my life didn't even know my name anymore and I was glad for it. Classes were long that day, they stretched forever, trying to delay me on my course, trying to halt the inevitable. Funny how the only place time ever gets you is alone. Time only makes you regret, it offers you too much oppertunity to think and to torture yourself, chances to mutilate yourself, a golden chance to let you plan your sacrifice at their feet. I remember when I saw them together I could feel my blood flow, I could hear my heart beat and my lungs scream. I had been with that girl for years and I still remember our first date in Junior High, I took her to see a movie because some kid dared me to. I remember this one time we stayed up until 3am to watch a meteor shower, it was the first time she told me she loved me. What a load of shit that was. What a punch in the gut love is. What a perfect makeover for comfortableness, for lust, for mild affection, for oppertunistic 'no one else better is around' love is. I said I loved her too. I guess I'm no better. I could imagine them fucking and not feel a thing, I could picture them being married and not show the slightest hint of feeling but to actually see them cuddling one another burnt my eyes out. I wanted to set a jungle on fire and bomb small fishing villages when I saw them together, I wanted to show the world it's falseness and corrupt innocence when I saw them together. To feel them touch eachother made me want to hook an 8 year old choir boy on crack. She asked me if I was ok, she asked if I needed anyone to talk to, if we could still be friends and if I still gave a shit about her. She might have well just asked a corpse if she could get it a cup of coffee. In my mind she could be fucking the entire campus and I would only scoff but to see, actually see the look in her eyes while she trailed her new target up the steps to his class made me try to break myself. My insides would shudder, my eyes twitch, my stomach drop to my knees and my fists lonely for plaster walls when I saw her. A new girl wouldn't have cleaned it up, a new religion would not have given me solace or purpose, a new obsession would have given me no distraction - I had to get rid of it all. The doctors I saw threw pill down my throat while claiming that science could make me better, friends gave me liquor and late night talks and the radio offered me similar tales, my rock and roll heroes told me they knew what it was all about. Those people have lives and purpose, they could not understand it because it's only known to a few who never talk about it. It's like a trucker's silent yearning. Motion and purpose for weeks on end, only to come home to stationary boredom and reality. No one knows that the need to travel and have purpose, to be lean and unburden is a sickness and a cure at the same time. It's like waking up in a hospital with no legs, you can imagine it but you can't relate to it so you can't relate to me. So I finally did something about it. I found a brick wall. I put my head next to it, hauled back and tried to make my ears touch one another. I slammed into it again, and again and again. My ears began to bleed, I could hear my skull cracking and my jaw was hanging loose off my face. I could still remember you though, I could still feel your breath on my neck and your hair on my chest, I could feel your hands soft inside my own. I pushed my head into the wall again and again. One of my teeth came out, my nose was broken and squeeling now, a large hole was in my forehead, I think you could have seen my brain. I still couldn't forget you. As I was slamming my head into the wall, viscious and animalistic, screaming with the contact, bone cracking each time and blood echoing, dripping into pools by my feet, you walked by. My face looked like hamburger, half my brain was on the grainy concrete and my shoes and all you could say to me was "Oh, you forgot some CDs at my apartment. Here, take them." My blood all over your shoes, you walked away and left red footprints all the way to the parking lot. I destroyed my mind as best as I could, I took all the torture I could possibly give myself and bled it out onto the concrete and it gave me no release. As you stalked off into the night, I had to wonder if it was even me punishing myself anymore because I forgot everything but you. With half my head turned into a bloody mess, I shuffled home and realized that if I must be tortured by something, it might as well be you. That's when it hit me. I finally had it all figured out. The reason why you stuck in my head is because I loathed you while still in awe of you. You must be amazing to have such an effect on me and I had to hate you for it, I had to realize that. I also had to figure out that I can't torture myself like you can, I can't compete with the bile you bring to my throat, I can't fight the rage you inspire. Like the winter, you make my memories shined over in fogged glass, you make me contemplative and restless. Nothing I can do to myself, no maiming and destruction I can expose myself to will burn you away. It is because you are the road, you are the sickness and the cure.